To Run

Relationships, as with everything in life, is truly about the learning process. As with the age-old adage, when you fall, you have to get right back up. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. From birth, everything in life is a constant state of learning, growing, relating to the world around us and seeing how we fit in, discovering things as well as ourselves.

It is with great sadness when I see dear friends having to experience the same heartbreak and pain associated with the end of a marriage. Sadly as well, this experience is not ever something I would wish on my worst enemies. I don't think anyone needs to know first hand the level of heart bursting despair that comes with betrayal, rejection and an impending and final END. Although many people before me experienced divorce and many will come after me as well, each one of us must learn from our experiences so we can recapture our lives and ourselves.

Divorce is not limited to an age range or by skin color or cultural decent. No one group of people is immune either. The life altering and sometimes life-shattering event could strike at any moment and sometimes without clear cause.  

So, as it seems to be in life, when we stumble or fall, we may need to lie there for a moment to let the worst of the pain pass. And, as we are ready or strong enough, we can pull ourselves back up. Perhaps onto unsteady legs, we can remain momentarily. Until at some point we are able to walk forward again, until we can run. So, I wish for my friends the ability to, with time, run again. Until that time, please know a helping hand is there to pull us up, steady us, walk with us and perhaps run beside us. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have seen me to this point in my life where I am now; running

A Tiny Bit

I live in San Diego with no immediate or extended family aside from my two children. The closest relatives are approximately a two hour car ride, one way, with zero traffic. Needless to say, I am kind of on my own. That wasn't always the case. There was a time when my parents were local as were my husbands parents. (Now ex-husband) We enjoyed all the benefits of having family so close especially their participation with the kids, their activities and special occasions.

So I came to realize this past President's Day that I really missed having my own family close to me. Not that it could ever be the same as my mother passed away several years ago. But, I longed for them nonetheless. My son Justin spent his two days off from school during the day with my ex-mother-in-law. Please keep in mind that she is absolutely the sweetest, nicest lady ever and she adores my children and they without question adore her.

At the end of day two, I found myself driving to her house to pick up Justin and was fighting with myself inside my head about offering her money for having watched my son. Of course I should offer, right? She did ME a favor and I am nothing to her. She spent two days of her life helping me to stay employed. On the other hand, will I offend her if I give her money? Does she consider us family still? I walked up to the door still undecided and she opened the door and without thinking I said, "Hi Mom!".  She warmly smiled and invited me in, as she has always done for the entire length of my knowing her.
I surprised myself in accidentally calling her mom. By her nature, and as a part of her culture, family is a loose concept and she warmly hugged me.

Ultimately I offered her money for having watched Justin, it seemed like the right thing to do. But I wondered to myself about when you are no longer legally family, does those extended family ties become broken as well? In my divorce, I divorced her son. Does it mean I divorce the extended family as well? I would like to adopt the Filipino concept of family where neighbors, old friends and maybe ex-mother-in-laws can be a sort of extended family. At least for me, it seems to make this beautiful, very large city I live in seem just a tiny bit smaller, a tiny bit warmer and a tiny bit more accepting. 

Her Eyes

What's the old saying?  "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours to begin with." I think of this phrase often now that Cassie is in Italy. I remind myself constantly that in loving her, she is not a possession, not mine to hold on to. We can not own someone else. Although I frequently kid that my children are my people, I merely intend it in a figurative manner.....as a means of conveying 'tribal belonging'. I have let her leave my side, but never my heart.

The absence of my first born has left a void. I can back fill that emptiness with things to do, as those are abundant yet I am reluctant as I realize that it will only stifle my feelings.  And although I feel a great sense of loss at her lack of presence, I am more happy and excited at her opportunities in Italy than I am sad for myself. I am eager to hear about her exploits and her perspective and vision of the world. I imagine that she goes into the experience with a greater sense of personal pride and cultural respect than the average 16 year old would, strictly based on her own mixed heritage.

I often wish to go back in time, even just a couple of years, to regain lost moments, to have a chance to spend more time with them, so I can hug them more, listen more, talk more, just be together more. I am compelled to hug Justin more frequently now and I find myself holding on just a little bit longer. . . .noticeably hesitant to let go. I fear that I will open my eyes and it will be he that is trekking off to Italy or another foreign country or college.

I can not hold onto them with a tighter grasp. I must let them be the people they are meant to be. With a sad heart and sense of loss, I support Cassie in Italy and all of her life endeavours and I hope she returns to me from time to time so I can see through her eyes the amazement and wonder of her world.