Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Her Eyes

What's the old saying?  "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours to begin with." I think of this phrase often now that Cassie is in Italy. I remind myself constantly that in loving her, she is not a possession, not mine to hold on to. We can not own someone else. Although I frequently kid that my children are my people, I merely intend it in a figurative manner.....as a means of conveying 'tribal belonging'. I have let her leave my side, but never my heart.

The absence of my first born has left a void. I can back fill that emptiness with things to do, as those are abundant yet I am reluctant as I realize that it will only stifle my feelings.  And although I feel a great sense of loss at her lack of presence, I am more happy and excited at her opportunities in Italy than I am sad for myself. I am eager to hear about her exploits and her perspective and vision of the world. I imagine that she goes into the experience with a greater sense of personal pride and cultural respect than the average 16 year old would, strictly based on her own mixed heritage.

I often wish to go back in time, even just a couple of years, to regain lost moments, to have a chance to spend more time with them, so I can hug them more, listen more, talk more, just be together more. I am compelled to hug Justin more frequently now and I find myself holding on just a little bit longer. . . .noticeably hesitant to let go. I fear that I will open my eyes and it will be he that is trekking off to Italy or another foreign country or college.

I can not hold onto them with a tighter grasp. I must let them be the people they are meant to be. With a sad heart and sense of loss, I support Cassie in Italy and all of her life endeavours and I hope she returns to me from time to time so I can see through her eyes the amazement and wonder of her world.


1 comment:


  1. I give DR FREEDOM all praise for returning my husband with his

    spiritual spell power and I from the far country. Next month marks

    a year of our reunion. I have discovered He has many lessons to

    teach His children. I was reminded of where I was this time last

    year. Because of my sin, my husband filed divorce and was in

    another relationship. I was home alone attempting to get our

    children ready for school. Filling out all of the forms was heart

    breaking. A different address for dad, trying to find an emergency

    contact, filling out applications for free books and lunches. I

    give DR FREEDOM the great spell caster i ever see in my life who is

    so honest and grateful to me all the glory, honor, and praise as

    this year my husband is at my side. We have a lot of work to do to

    win the trust back that was lost but I know that no weapon formed

    against us will prosper. I am so grateful to DR FREEDOM for the

    help of bringing back of my husband thanks DR FREEDOM i promise to

    share your testimony and bring more people to your temple if you

    help me, now everything work according to our plains i will stop

    sharing your testimony. you can reach his email

    via:(omonigholovetemple@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete