GOING HOME

All of the things from when I was young, now as an adult, have the capacity to bring me so much comfort, joy and sense of security. I have spent my life thus far, on a quest to see the world, learn new things, meet new people and experience other cultures; all a deviation from my childhood, a deviation from my roots. I have actively chosen a path of discovery that ultimately chips away tiny pieces of my core being. I find myself grasping on to these things from my childhood (a certain trinket, piece of jewelry, a song, a type of food, a smell, a view) even tighter as I grow older.

I have realized that my childhood comforts are fewer and some lost forever. I long for the days that I can run home when the street lights come on after playing all day in the neighborhood, to a warm and inviting home, where I feel that the world is limitless and my whole life still lies ahead of me, the work has been done, warm food on the table and I have not a real care in the world.

Cassie has returned home to us. I looked forward to her return with excitement and nervousness. I can only guess that she was actually having the chance that most of us adults wish for........ one last chance to return home. 

Respect

I remember back to when I was young and recall speaking to my relatives, when I would address them it was in one of two ways. I would either call them Aunt or Uncle and their first name or I would just call them by their first name. For example, my moms sisters were with Aunt Robin and Aunt Shelley or Robin and Shelley. It never once occurred to me that it was not okay to address them in this manner or that it was not respectful.

When I had children of my own, especially with the Pacific Islander / Asian influence, I quickly learned in their culture that children must address adults with respect. I was surprised to learn that there are designated words in Tagalog depicting respect for a family member older than you. The word for older girl relative, with respect, is Ate (sounds like ah-tay) and the boy relative, with respect is Kuya (sounds like coo-ya). With their fathers influence, both of my children learned to speak to adults in a respectful manner, even when addressing others in English. Adult family friends are addressed as Mr. Carlos, Mr. Peter, Ms. Joy, Ms. Stephanie. It was our own little adaptation to the lack of a designated word in the English language. This formality has continued even after the divorce, and I am glad to see it.

Respect must be earned and it always must be mutual. Yet, I think in some small way, it is important for children, at least mine, to view the world around them with a small degree of humility and with some sense of respect for those that came before them. At least I like to think they have the capacity to honor others with their words.

In a world where honor and respect appear to be on a sharp decline, and selfishness and dishonesty prevail, let one small word of respect be like a candle in the breeze. May it have the capacity to shine in darkness and may it spread, one person at a time, to help make us all better people.

To Run

Relationships, as with everything in life, is truly about the learning process. As with the age-old adage, when you fall, you have to get right back up. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. From birth, everything in life is a constant state of learning, growing, relating to the world around us and seeing how we fit in, discovering things as well as ourselves.

It is with great sadness when I see dear friends having to experience the same heartbreak and pain associated with the end of a marriage. Sadly as well, this experience is not ever something I would wish on my worst enemies. I don't think anyone needs to know first hand the level of heart bursting despair that comes with betrayal, rejection and an impending and final END. Although many people before me experienced divorce and many will come after me as well, each one of us must learn from our experiences so we can recapture our lives and ourselves.

Divorce is not limited to an age range or by skin color or cultural decent. No one group of people is immune either. The life altering and sometimes life-shattering event could strike at any moment and sometimes without clear cause.  

So, as it seems to be in life, when we stumble or fall, we may need to lie there for a moment to let the worst of the pain pass. And, as we are ready or strong enough, we can pull ourselves back up. Perhaps onto unsteady legs, we can remain momentarily. Until at some point we are able to walk forward again, until we can run. So, I wish for my friends the ability to, with time, run again. Until that time, please know a helping hand is there to pull us up, steady us, walk with us and perhaps run beside us. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have seen me to this point in my life where I am now; running

A Tiny Bit

I live in San Diego with no immediate or extended family aside from my two children. The closest relatives are approximately a two hour car ride, one way, with zero traffic. Needless to say, I am kind of on my own. That wasn't always the case. There was a time when my parents were local as were my husbands parents. (Now ex-husband) We enjoyed all the benefits of having family so close especially their participation with the kids, their activities and special occasions.

So I came to realize this past President's Day that I really missed having my own family close to me. Not that it could ever be the same as my mother passed away several years ago. But, I longed for them nonetheless. My son Justin spent his two days off from school during the day with my ex-mother-in-law. Please keep in mind that she is absolutely the sweetest, nicest lady ever and she adores my children and they without question adore her.

At the end of day two, I found myself driving to her house to pick up Justin and was fighting with myself inside my head about offering her money for having watched my son. Of course I should offer, right? She did ME a favor and I am nothing to her. She spent two days of her life helping me to stay employed. On the other hand, will I offend her if I give her money? Does she consider us family still? I walked up to the door still undecided and she opened the door and without thinking I said, "Hi Mom!".  She warmly smiled and invited me in, as she has always done for the entire length of my knowing her.
I surprised myself in accidentally calling her mom. By her nature, and as a part of her culture, family is a loose concept and she warmly hugged me.

Ultimately I offered her money for having watched Justin, it seemed like the right thing to do. But I wondered to myself about when you are no longer legally family, does those extended family ties become broken as well? In my divorce, I divorced her son. Does it mean I divorce the extended family as well? I would like to adopt the Filipino concept of family where neighbors, old friends and maybe ex-mother-in-laws can be a sort of extended family. At least for me, it seems to make this beautiful, very large city I live in seem just a tiny bit smaller, a tiny bit warmer and a tiny bit more accepting. 

A Family Trip?

It is with much trepidation I relay my plan for a family outing tomorrow. As you probably know, Cassie is planning on heading over to Italy for the balance of her Junior year. The last road block to the realization of this dream is applying for and obtaining her visa stamp on her passport. The appointment has been set, the documents rounded up and aligned, now all we need to do is make the trip.

Is it not enough that I have worked diligently to get her this far? I laugh to myself, apparently not. I will be not so fortunate to get to share the two and a half hour car ride (each way) from San Diego to the Italian Consulate in Los Angeles with my ex-husband. It is mandatory for him to be present in applying for her visa as she is under 18 and he posses joint legal custody. So when I say 'we' need to make the trip, I say it loosely.

It feels surreal, this trip we must take. As if I am paying a visit to a life I left behind so long ago. It is good, I don't feel anything. There was a time when happiness and sadness were interlinked and I was a puppet while he pulled the strings. Things are so different for me, for all of us. I am not that person any more.

The morning will come, we will get ready and embark upon our big journey....speeding toward our future and visiting our past all at the same time.

Viva Italy!

Friday, December 17, 2010 was the last official day of my daughters Junior year in an American High School! Many many months ago, we embarked on an idea, more a dream of Cassie getting the amazing chance to spend time living in another country and attending High School there. It has been a journey, an adventure, to get to this point. She and I have spent countless hours filling out long applications, searching for scholarships to apply for, writing essays, researching programs, applying for her passport, verifying health insurance parameters and visa requirements, travel arrangements, host families, and the list goes on and on.

Alas, we are now here, at the point of looking down the barrel of her bright future. This future is one that includes traveling to New York for her international departure on January 26, 2011. She will then travel to Zurich, Switzerland and onto Rome, Italy. From Rome she will travel by train to northern Italy where she will meet her host family and be introduced to her new life! Having said this, I am absolutely thrilled for her. Secretly, I am scared to death. I will miss her beyond what words can express. She is 16 and such a beautiful person, inside and out. I have enjoyed watching her discover her own potentials, the world around her and I have enjoyed seeing the transformation and growth into the wonderful person she is today.

Although our lives can be challenging on a day to day basis with the work grind and the obligatory list of things to do, it is a joy. The opportunity that Cassie is presented with is a gift and a blessing. It is a reminder of how lucky I am too, all day, every day. Please keep Cassie in your thoughts and hearts as she begins her journey. Viva Italy!

Why Now?

Why now is a good question. I have often wondered myself why I am compelled to share my story, well, our story with the world. It seems when I look around at other families in our neighborhood that there is no longer a 'traditional' family. With that being said, my situation is far from traditional. Long ago, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. We settled down together and began our own family. We have two amazing children, a daughter, Cassandra Adora, and a son, Justin Jhanex. They are amazing people and bring so much happiness and joy to my life.

Unfortunately, and sadly for my babies, things did not work out between myself and their dad and we divorced. It has been about five years since the divorce and Cassie, Justin and I are as close and as happy as ever. Periodically we find ourselves in situations that illuminate our non-traditional family setting and remind us how the world can sometimes view us. So, why now you ask?

I just want to reach out to others that may be in a similar situation. Perhaps offering up comfort and encouragement through knowing that despite the differences in our skin tones and our varying family traditions, love, understanding and acceptance prevails.