GOING HOME

All of the things from when I was young, now as an adult, have the capacity to bring me so much comfort, joy and sense of security. I have spent my life thus far, on a quest to see the world, learn new things, meet new people and experience other cultures; all a deviation from my childhood, a deviation from my roots. I have actively chosen a path of discovery that ultimately chips away tiny pieces of my core being. I find myself grasping on to these things from my childhood (a certain trinket, piece of jewelry, a song, a type of food, a smell, a view) even tighter as I grow older.

I have realized that my childhood comforts are fewer and some lost forever. I long for the days that I can run home when the street lights come on after playing all day in the neighborhood, to a warm and inviting home, where I feel that the world is limitless and my whole life still lies ahead of me, the work has been done, warm food on the table and I have not a real care in the world.

Cassie has returned home to us. I looked forward to her return with excitement and nervousness. I can only guess that she was actually having the chance that most of us adults wish for........ one last chance to return home. 

Respect

I remember back to when I was young and recall speaking to my relatives, when I would address them it was in one of two ways. I would either call them Aunt or Uncle and their first name or I would just call them by their first name. For example, my moms sisters were with Aunt Robin and Aunt Shelley or Robin and Shelley. It never once occurred to me that it was not okay to address them in this manner or that it was not respectful.

When I had children of my own, especially with the Pacific Islander / Asian influence, I quickly learned in their culture that children must address adults with respect. I was surprised to learn that there are designated words in Tagalog depicting respect for a family member older than you. The word for older girl relative, with respect, is Ate (sounds like ah-tay) and the boy relative, with respect is Kuya (sounds like coo-ya). With their fathers influence, both of my children learned to speak to adults in a respectful manner, even when addressing others in English. Adult family friends are addressed as Mr. Carlos, Mr. Peter, Ms. Joy, Ms. Stephanie. It was our own little adaptation to the lack of a designated word in the English language. This formality has continued even after the divorce, and I am glad to see it.

Respect must be earned and it always must be mutual. Yet, I think in some small way, it is important for children, at least mine, to view the world around them with a small degree of humility and with some sense of respect for those that came before them. At least I like to think they have the capacity to honor others with their words.

In a world where honor and respect appear to be on a sharp decline, and selfishness and dishonesty prevail, let one small word of respect be like a candle in the breeze. May it have the capacity to shine in darkness and may it spread, one person at a time, to help make us all better people.

To Run

Relationships, as with everything in life, is truly about the learning process. As with the age-old adage, when you fall, you have to get right back up. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. From birth, everything in life is a constant state of learning, growing, relating to the world around us and seeing how we fit in, discovering things as well as ourselves.

It is with great sadness when I see dear friends having to experience the same heartbreak and pain associated with the end of a marriage. Sadly as well, this experience is not ever something I would wish on my worst enemies. I don't think anyone needs to know first hand the level of heart bursting despair that comes with betrayal, rejection and an impending and final END. Although many people before me experienced divorce and many will come after me as well, each one of us must learn from our experiences so we can recapture our lives and ourselves.

Divorce is not limited to an age range or by skin color or cultural decent. No one group of people is immune either. The life altering and sometimes life-shattering event could strike at any moment and sometimes without clear cause.  

So, as it seems to be in life, when we stumble or fall, we may need to lie there for a moment to let the worst of the pain pass. And, as we are ready or strong enough, we can pull ourselves back up. Perhaps onto unsteady legs, we can remain momentarily. Until at some point we are able to walk forward again, until we can run. So, I wish for my friends the ability to, with time, run again. Until that time, please know a helping hand is there to pull us up, steady us, walk with us and perhaps run beside us. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have seen me to this point in my life where I am now; running

A Tiny Bit

I live in San Diego with no immediate or extended family aside from my two children. The closest relatives are approximately a two hour car ride, one way, with zero traffic. Needless to say, I am kind of on my own. That wasn't always the case. There was a time when my parents were local as were my husbands parents. (Now ex-husband) We enjoyed all the benefits of having family so close especially their participation with the kids, their activities and special occasions.

So I came to realize this past President's Day that I really missed having my own family close to me. Not that it could ever be the same as my mother passed away several years ago. But, I longed for them nonetheless. My son Justin spent his two days off from school during the day with my ex-mother-in-law. Please keep in mind that she is absolutely the sweetest, nicest lady ever and she adores my children and they without question adore her.

At the end of day two, I found myself driving to her house to pick up Justin and was fighting with myself inside my head about offering her money for having watched my son. Of course I should offer, right? She did ME a favor and I am nothing to her. She spent two days of her life helping me to stay employed. On the other hand, will I offend her if I give her money? Does she consider us family still? I walked up to the door still undecided and she opened the door and without thinking I said, "Hi Mom!".  She warmly smiled and invited me in, as she has always done for the entire length of my knowing her.
I surprised myself in accidentally calling her mom. By her nature, and as a part of her culture, family is a loose concept and she warmly hugged me.

Ultimately I offered her money for having watched Justin, it seemed like the right thing to do. But I wondered to myself about when you are no longer legally family, does those extended family ties become broken as well? In my divorce, I divorced her son. Does it mean I divorce the extended family as well? I would like to adopt the Filipino concept of family where neighbors, old friends and maybe ex-mother-in-laws can be a sort of extended family. At least for me, it seems to make this beautiful, very large city I live in seem just a tiny bit smaller, a tiny bit warmer and a tiny bit more accepting. 

We are More...

We are more than what you see. I am more than a white woman. I am more than just a middle aged person. I am more than a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I am more than that box, or category, that I am filed in. It is human nature to categorize people in our minds, it is how we make sense of the world. For example, my teacher, my coworker, my son, my doctor

I have been thinking about how we do that and promised myself that I would start to try and be open in my mind to all of someone's possibilities. It was brought to my attention by my daughter when she said she doesn't fit in at high school because she doesn't fit in with the basic groups. I asked her what she meant and she explained that kids are grouped based on race or activity for the most part. I had to wonder if that is true and I thought back to my high school days and I have to say that it really may have been true. Perhaps we all flock to what is comfortable and to what we know?

It is a part of life to learn to recognize each other in new and unique ways. We all have so much to offer. My daughter is more than a white girl, more than a Filipino girl, more than a gymnast, more than a student, more than a daughter, more than a sister.....
she is more!