GOING HOME

All of the things from when I was young, now as an adult, have the capacity to bring me so much comfort, joy and sense of security. I have spent my life thus far, on a quest to see the world, learn new things, meet new people and experience other cultures; all a deviation from my childhood, a deviation from my roots. I have actively chosen a path of discovery that ultimately chips away tiny pieces of my core being. I find myself grasping on to these things from my childhood (a certain trinket, piece of jewelry, a song, a type of food, a smell, a view) even tighter as I grow older.

I have realized that my childhood comforts are fewer and some lost forever. I long for the days that I can run home when the street lights come on after playing all day in the neighborhood, to a warm and inviting home, where I feel that the world is limitless and my whole life still lies ahead of me, the work has been done, warm food on the table and I have not a real care in the world.

Cassie has returned home to us. I looked forward to her return with excitement and nervousness. I can only guess that she was actually having the chance that most of us adults wish for........ one last chance to return home. 

Her Eyes

What's the old saying?  "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours to begin with." I think of this phrase often now that Cassie is in Italy. I remind myself constantly that in loving her, she is not a possession, not mine to hold on to. We can not own someone else. Although I frequently kid that my children are my people, I merely intend it in a figurative manner.....as a means of conveying 'tribal belonging'. I have let her leave my side, but never my heart.

The absence of my first born has left a void. I can back fill that emptiness with things to do, as those are abundant yet I am reluctant as I realize that it will only stifle my feelings.  And although I feel a great sense of loss at her lack of presence, I am more happy and excited at her opportunities in Italy than I am sad for myself. I am eager to hear about her exploits and her perspective and vision of the world. I imagine that she goes into the experience with a greater sense of personal pride and cultural respect than the average 16 year old would, strictly based on her own mixed heritage.

I often wish to go back in time, even just a couple of years, to regain lost moments, to have a chance to spend more time with them, so I can hug them more, listen more, talk more, just be together more. I am compelled to hug Justin more frequently now and I find myself holding on just a little bit longer. . . .noticeably hesitant to let go. I fear that I will open my eyes and it will be he that is trekking off to Italy or another foreign country or college.

I can not hold onto them with a tighter grasp. I must let them be the people they are meant to be. With a sad heart and sense of loss, I support Cassie in Italy and all of her life endeavours and I hope she returns to me from time to time so I can see through her eyes the amazement and wonder of her world.

A Family Trip?

It is with much trepidation I relay my plan for a family outing tomorrow. As you probably know, Cassie is planning on heading over to Italy for the balance of her Junior year. The last road block to the realization of this dream is applying for and obtaining her visa stamp on her passport. The appointment has been set, the documents rounded up and aligned, now all we need to do is make the trip.

Is it not enough that I have worked diligently to get her this far? I laugh to myself, apparently not. I will be not so fortunate to get to share the two and a half hour car ride (each way) from San Diego to the Italian Consulate in Los Angeles with my ex-husband. It is mandatory for him to be present in applying for her visa as she is under 18 and he posses joint legal custody. So when I say 'we' need to make the trip, I say it loosely.

It feels surreal, this trip we must take. As if I am paying a visit to a life I left behind so long ago. It is good, I don't feel anything. There was a time when happiness and sadness were interlinked and I was a puppet while he pulled the strings. Things are so different for me, for all of us. I am not that person any more.

The morning will come, we will get ready and embark upon our big journey....speeding toward our future and visiting our past all at the same time.

Viva Italy!

Friday, December 17, 2010 was the last official day of my daughters Junior year in an American High School! Many many months ago, we embarked on an idea, more a dream of Cassie getting the amazing chance to spend time living in another country and attending High School there. It has been a journey, an adventure, to get to this point. She and I have spent countless hours filling out long applications, searching for scholarships to apply for, writing essays, researching programs, applying for her passport, verifying health insurance parameters and visa requirements, travel arrangements, host families, and the list goes on and on.

Alas, we are now here, at the point of looking down the barrel of her bright future. This future is one that includes traveling to New York for her international departure on January 26, 2011. She will then travel to Zurich, Switzerland and onto Rome, Italy. From Rome she will travel by train to northern Italy where she will meet her host family and be introduced to her new life! Having said this, I am absolutely thrilled for her. Secretly, I am scared to death. I will miss her beyond what words can express. She is 16 and such a beautiful person, inside and out. I have enjoyed watching her discover her own potentials, the world around her and I have enjoyed seeing the transformation and growth into the wonderful person she is today.

Although our lives can be challenging on a day to day basis with the work grind and the obligatory list of things to do, it is a joy. The opportunity that Cassie is presented with is a gift and a blessing. It is a reminder of how lucky I am too, all day, every day. Please keep Cassie in your thoughts and hearts as she begins her journey. Viva Italy!